So, it happened yesterday...

I turned 40. An event I anticipated would be heralded with some impressive celebrating and a hearty dose of grown up frolicking. Instead all I wanted to do was crawl in a cave and hide out until it blew over. What is wrong with me? I apologize in advance - this will be a different post from the usual here. I was raised that sharing your upsets, your heartbreaks, your sadness, your frustrations - all of these were not allowed. They just upset other people and that is a no-no of epic proportions. But...yet...here I go.

I had this idea in my head, one where 40 would be older, wiser, more in control. I would exude that confidence associated with people truly comfortable in their skin. I would have children that people wanted to be around. They would be the epitome of amazing homeschooled kids that would *prove* without a doubt that I was making the right choice for them.  I would have a house that invited people in and made them want to be here. I would have a business that supported our family and our community. I would have a wonderful group of friends that stretched far and wide. I would be both cougar sexy and motherly. I would homestead, work, school, create, volunteer, nurture, inspire, change the world and do it in size 6 yoga pants and matching tiny tees. I would live up to at least some semblance of the overblown impossible ideals that are foisted upon women in my generation - the idea that you CAN have it all - that women for generations before us fought for us to be able to do ANYTHING.And you should do it all FABULOUSLY all the time.

You already know where this is going. Of course, that ideal is impossible. Of course I'm none of those things. Of course I'm not the only one that feels this way. Of course, I shouldn't let these feelings bog me down. And yet, it feels so...final. Like if I haven't gotten somewhere in the zip code of this ideal yet, there is no longer hope for it to happen. I'm overweight. I'm unhealthy and likely to kick off before my kids are grown if I can't fix that. Sexy isn't even in the running for an adjective in my descriptors. Size 6 was 17 years ago. My business continues to putter along - not supporting anyone, but taking time, energy and money. Our third home is in its fifth year of remodeling. Although doing it yourself is rewarding and cheaper, it takes so. darn. much. time. I have many, many acquaintances but few friends because I am a bad friend.  My children, although delightful in so many ways, are frustrating...and frustrated. With me. With our chaotic life. Our schooling is sporadic - wonderful some days, not so much on others. Sara is starting into the pre-teen years of questioning - herself, me, the world as a whole. Alex has learning issues that make everything we work on...harder.

Then I start in on the self-doubt. Is it my fault he is that way? Something in the womb? Not enough stimulus in those first months? Not enough time together? Not enough intervention from outside sources? Do we work too much? Not enough? Why didn't we buy an easy house? Why do I volunteer with things that don't reward me back? Why can't I say no? Why don't I make friends easily? Why does my willpower suck? Am I ruining my children?  Am I ruining me? Am I ruining EVERYTHING?

I *know* without a doubt that I should stop my whining. There are so many people in the world, and in my immediate life, that have it tougher by a stretch. Friends with kids who are sick, so sick that their time here is limited in ways I can't imagine. Friends who are losing parents. Friends with financial struggles that make my business grumbles pale in comparison. People with a whole host of problems that leave my little whines in the dust. But then there are also the people that make my life look just as cruddy as it feels. Friends with the proverbial "world on a string". Marathon running moms with impressive jobs, amazing children, perfect homes and adoring husbands. Are they really all of that? Probably not. The fabulous (and horrifying) thing about the internet is you can be just about whatever you want. Pinterest the right things, post the right things, link to the right things - anyone can create the idea of a perfect life. I *know* this all in my head...but my heart is another matter.

So, what now? A little baring of the soul is good for a cathartic cleansing (and I know that so few people read this blog that it isn't really like I'm throwing everything out to the whole wide world - one of the few times I am grateful for not being a big time blogger type!). I suppose it is good that the first born perfectionist in me will not allow me to just wallow in this for too long. People might find out how lame I really am. Better get on it and fix that. Therein being one of the problems. How? If I was capable of "fixing" it, wouldn't I have already done so? Why aren't I willing to make changes that help myself...my family...my life? Is it really that hard to put my well being first? Or maybe that is the problem...I'm too selfish? And back to the doubting we go. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Where did January go????

My pondering for the morning as I am getting co-ops squared away, invoicing people for the homeschool Valentine's Party, and being inundated with garden planning info - what the heck happened to my January? I know the answer,but it was still a shock to see February come up on the calender. We were flattened by the flu for nearly 10 days. Never has the whole family had one bug, all at the same time, that smooshed us with the ferocity of this year's respiratory influenza. Five days of that was spent with all of us hovering in the 100+ fever fog, watching crazy amounts of Dr. Who and Create TV and basically taking turns with who was most able to get up and stumble to get more ginger ale, soup, hot tea and ibuprofen. We're all good now, but losing that much time in our normal crazy and chaotic lives has wreaked some serious havoc on the The Green Grass House.  We're behind on all sorts of stuff: school for sure, and work, sort of, although that is mostly caught up - just a couple more orders that came up during that time to wrap up. I start playing for a children's theater this week - something new to stretch my boundaries and wings a bit - that will wipe me off the slate here for the next 3 afternoon/evenings and all day Saturday. All in all, lots of funkiness happening this month and last!

Cleaning up my interwebz...

Got a wicked backache today and just really don't feel like doing much of anything productive...but really would feel like a big bum to call it a day at 10 am. Solution? Twiddle around on the web - fixing blog headers, finally publishing our Green Grass House Facebook page (yep, never got around to it after the big "cover and profile" pic changes many months ago), create logos, place product supply orders, lots of projects that I can sit on my behind to do :-) Bum children are taking full advantage of having a few more days of freedom before we get back into schooling - Sara is currently on Zoo Tycoon and Alex is Minecrafting. Did I mention a bum sort of day? Um...yep. Funniest find so far...I apparently REALLLY need to update the landing page we made years ago for a project that needed just one website for all the things we did: The Zserdin Family page The thing is - I really like that picture, so maybe it will just stay that way - or I will dig up something current, too and leave both.

Happy New Year 2013!

It was a super low key New Year's Eve for us this year - made foo-foo appetizers with the kids for the four of us and played board games, watched a few episodes of Once Upon a Time and just barely made it to the ball drop - I think we were all in bed about 5 minutes after :-)

There is a theory that whatever you do on New Year's Day will set the precedent for your year - with this in mind we worked some, played some and created some. A little bit of house cleaning, and made a list for back to work on Wednesday. Made a gigantic batch of 40 breakfast burritos to freeze. Cleaned out and organized the spice cupboard and magnetic rack, cleaned the fridge out, made menus for the rest of the week and did lots of laundry. And best of the day, made a 5 gallon batch of mead!  We burned the bad from last year, but have yet to make resolutions - I'm always so torn on those, in some ways they seem destined to fail and more appropriate to some of the other holidays that celebrate the turning of the wheel more distinctly. At any rate - probably tonight! Hope this finds all of you out there well and Blessed!

Sort of Back to School

Usually this time of year I'm posting about our "Not Back to School" plans, as we fondly call it in the homeschooling community. This year marks a change for the Green Grass House - the kids are in school. At least a little. Maybe more than I am ready for.  Yesterday was their first day at WWA-HSC - a one day a week enrichment to homeschooling offered by JeffCo at a church about 5 minutes from here. Sara has been buzzing with excitement for it for two weeks now - and she had a great first day. Alex has been quite a bit less enthusiastic, but did okay. It's mostly fun, things I can't easily do at home like theater, fitness, some art, science (which we do plenty of, but Sara always wants more) and even a cooking basics that Alex ended up in because his other choices were full. My hopes are that it will give us some structure, which is where I am always lacking - we do so much of our life based on deadlines and flying by the seat of our pants. I spent the day doing long-overdue office work (invoicing, billing, taxes, all the fun stuff ;) and making lessons plans for the next two weeks.

No nice sweet serious studious looking picture like all my friends are posting from my kids *sigh*.
 Peace Out, man!

Some canning, some harvest...

Yesterday at the Green Grass House... we got our first significant harvest out of the garden - three kinds of beans, a few little tomatoes, a few tiny carrots, cucumber and one ear of corn. Considering we have been anything but consistent about watering, weeding or feeding the garden, I'm thrilled we're getting anything!

 The garlic we pulled a few weeks ago is done aging, so the kids are *supposed* to be peeling a bunch of it for canning. Sara thinks they look like little maces with their seeds heads so they keep battling with them instead. Goofballs!

 These are not ours, but our fabulous neighbors across the street have been keeping us well supplied in summer squash, zucchini and cucumbers in exchange for fresh eggs from the girls. Wedges are soaking in an onion and salt water bath to get ready for canning up Italian herbed squash pickles for antipasto plates.

 Peaches from Palisade - these were from our chicken feed supplier - she had two big boxes of "way too ripe to eat, must be jammed or canned soon" peaches we snagged for $15 when we picked up food for the feather butts Saturday.  Just a light syrup canning here, nothing fancy. I still have jam from two years ago - we apparently don't eat near enough toast around here, so I went plain on these.

 Finished for the night - 7 quarts of peaches, 6 pints of squash, about 1/10 of the garlic peeled - looks like I need to help out with that project a bit LOL!

Summer at Green Grass House

The coop's front door, which we never use anymore with the enclosed run on the back. That mint there is absolutely full to the brim with fuzzy bees - the kids have figured out how to sit very still and gently pet the bees while they are busy gathering goodies off our herb garden.

 One view of the messy garden - no where near what we had hoped and planned to have this year, but it's getting there, slowly but surely!

 I had a chance to count recently - 32 varieties of herbs, culinary and medicinal, in our herb garden at this point. Elsewhere in the yard we have four more varieties of oregano, six types of lavender and seven mints.

 HOPS!!! These bines are awesome, over 10 feet tall in two growing seasons, with cute little papery blossoms starting to ripen up - now to brew some beer!

Sassy pants Joe the Rooster is keeping an eye on me while I take this picture - several of the girls are behind him in the bark, hoses and periwinkle, dust bathing and enjoying the shade.